I chose to live as if. Even if I am facing struggles in certain parts of my life, I still make the conscious decision to not keep living in ways that have not worked. In my experience, when I am going through struggles and it seems I am doing the same things over and over, I love to try something radically new.
Even though I was only doing it here and there for a long time, I have been journaling one way or another since 2010. Within the past few months, I have been trying to write at least once a day. Sometimes I was writing in a set format. Other times I am just taking notes and writing what certain things mean to me when I read them. Most of the time it seems I am doing traditional journaling of whatever is on my mind. As mentioned in a previous post, the biggest blessing from journaling is being able to get out of the box. So many times I thought I was the one who was right. “He was mean.” “She said something that was uncalled for.”
It is not until the thoughts get on paper that the light bulb goes off in my head. It is then when I admit to myself the part I partook in that conflict. It wasn’t all his fault. It wasn’t all her fault. We were both wrong. Yes, one of us started it. Who started it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are both people. We both have feelings. We both were hurt. We both want to feel better. It is up to me, even if the other person was wrong, the right thing to do is to offer an apology for the part I have played. Most importantly, it is my duty to apologize for the way the other person has been feeling due to our conflict.
Last night I wanted to write. So much was on my mind. Later on I had a very long talk with someone. After pondering that conversation, it all hit me today as to what to write about. Even though it’s scary to make myself vulnerable and open myself to whoever reads this, it will make me feel better and help me put my own fears to rest. Everything I write is for myself. However, if I can make a positive difference in whoever reads this, then I will be all the happier.
I am . . . *gasp* . . . imperfect!
Yes, I have been a fuckup. The problem is not what I have done; it is what I have done thereafter. Instead of just being guilty of the situation, I have allowed myself to become shameful. I let myself believe I had become a bad person. “Gone” was that good person inside that so many people love. I was “not deserving” of good things. I was “not deserving” of personal contact. I was “not deserving” of love.
I let that impact the way I lived my life. I let it impact my future choices. Someone not good enough to be loved won’t make good, self-deserving decisions. I let the way others view me as how I should view myself. When it comes down to it, I should only follow my heart. Others opinions are just that–opinions.
I really do appreciate all the great help so many of you have given me. I really appreciate all the great suggestions so many of you have offered. However, there is only one person who has to live with the decisions that I have made. While I am grateful for your good intentions and desire to see me happy, no one knows how I feel better than me. Please do not feel hurt or take offense had I not followed your advice, even if you felt so strongly that you knew what was best for me. What I need from others more than anything is an ear to listen and your support. If you love me you will honor my request.
I am not going to go into detail, but here’s a diagram to outline the basics of collusion and why messages spread through gossip and hearsay are worthless:
The message was already distorted by colluding people. Then, the distorted, one-sided story was shared among people who were never witnesses in the first place. Then hearsay and that distorted, one-sided story became “fact” in the mind of both people. This has further driven people away from each other.
I want to apologize to everyone. If you are reading this then you have been impacted by things going on in my life. The purpose of this post is NOT to talk about these happenings. However, I would like to come clean about a few things in my life.
I have been guilty of partaking in collusion as outlined above. I have been guilty of whining like a little bitch. I am sorry to have been a burden on so many of you. I wish I had been more of a man with the way I had handled things. For so long I played the victim role. I was inadvertently fighting the very things I was trying to create in my life.
I am sorry that I was so needy to so many of you. I am sorry that have raised my voice. I am sorry that I have used curse words while being angry. I am sorry that I have been destructive. I am sorry that I was selfish. I am sorry that I was hypocritical. I am sorry for not following through with my promises. I am sorry for letting my own sadness and self-esteem issues bring others down with me.
Ultimately, everything I have done in my life has been with the best of intentions. Just like you, I am human. I am prone to mistakes. I also have feelings. My feelings are almost always positively influenced.
I have been blessed with the gift of clarity. I don’t understand everything just yet. However, so much more makes sense to me. I am ready for true happiness. I have chosen to be a man. I have chosen to forgive everyone for anything you have done to hurt me. It is not always easy letting go of the pain, but making that decision is the most important step in that process.
I have decided to take some unplanned time off of work soon. Nothing is set in stone, but I will get away from life, do a lot of journaling, do a lot of writing, see a lot of great places, and of course take tons of photographs!
Thank you to everyone who has cared for, supported, and loved me. My heart really goes out to you. Please be patient as I continue to grow into being the best Jimmy I can be!